Sep 11, 2010

pride comes before a fall.

hey guys! i'm gonna keep nagging gently reminding y'all of my giveaway to win a $45 giftcard to CSN! enter before wednesday, september 15th at midnight to win sweet stuff!

and p.s. - i am absolutely thrilled to see all the new-to-me faces that entered! thank you so much for stopping by, and i can't wait to catch up on all your blogs!


so i woke up this morning with a dull sense of dread. not because it was 3:00am (yeah, my body goes there quite often), but because i would need to eat again.

wait... what?

yes, those words came from my mouth. my mouth! yes, i'm still the same old rebekah who thought that i was doing wonderfully with my body like ten seconds ago, i promise. and yes, apparently i still have more issues hanging around than i realized.

maybe i should get this shirt.

on a more serious note, though, for years i just let my emotions run away from me. i never stoped myself to figure out what was really wrong and why i was really struggling with food. i truly believed i must not have been strong enough to be skinny and never associated emotional stress with my eating habits.

instead, i absorbed every bit of knowledge i could from diet books, fashion magazines, and health articles. thank god that didn't last long! it took me a whole lot of blood, sweat, and tears to realize that my insecurities weren't about my body, but about my life!

i've felt (nearly) totally freed from the "diet mentality" for a while now, so i was a bit taken back to feel myself... dreading eating???

during my run, i realized i was subconsciously still holding to some old baggage:

1. my new eating habits sorta scare me. eating to appease a testy fibromyalgia-y stomach is like trying to feed a colicky newborn: i eat all day long. while i know this is what my new body needs (hence this week's post about eating enough), to a chick who's had a few run-ins with binge eating, eating like this kinda can look "like a binge." i didn't realize i even still had that fear of binging, but i guess a few really hungry days was enough to bring those old feelings to the surface.

just to clarify, i haven't felt the need to emotionally eat in years, but i guess i still haven't gotten over the fear of possibility... follow me?

2. new schedule means packing and thinking about food A LOT. since i've been sick, i've basically been home all day. i've eaten when i was hungry and didn't really have to worry about packing it up, getting enough, or fitting in to a schedule. with school, all that changed. suddenly i had to plan my meals, and i think the sudden attention to how much food i actually eat in a day kinda freaked the old "diet rebekah" out. stupid, but true.

3. i break every get-slim-diet-trick daily. i eat almost entirely from the dreaded food group: carbs (*GASP*). i don't eat any of the recommended bikini diet foods: grilled chicken, egg whites, greek yogurt, nut butters, or protein shakes. half my diet consists of simple sugars: fruit. i eat about 50 times a day, don't drink water before meals, don't chew gum, don't distract myself from my hunger, and always eat after 7 pm. a lot.

do i know this is best for me? of course! would i change it? probably not. but that doesn't mean that every once in a while, i still don't wonder if i'm the crazy one. i mean, i'm crazy, but am i being food-stupid? i know the answer is no, but still, i'm not emotionally invincible.

so am i totally over my fears yet?

probably not. i am, however, very grateful for the body i do have, and am at peace with the lifestyle it takes to get this body out of bed each day. i know what makes me feel my best, and i also know my weight is fine! but this is all head knowledge. the heart is a touchier subject!

i see this as a life-long process for me, and at 21, it seems i still have a bit of growing up to do :)

struggles of your own you're working on?


  1. Still working on struggles as you know.. but I'm making myself eat fear foods so I guess that's progress.

    As for you.. Rebekah, you're amazing! Perhaps it's a lifelong struggle but somehow I really doubt that will be the case for you. I KNOW that you will be able to eventually banish thoughts like that for good. I mean, yeah, you'll maybe get the random day where something like that pops up but I think it will be few and far between. Like you said, you're 21.. but look how far you've come already! You're doing amazing and I hope that by the time I turn 21 (2 years) I'll be close to where you are. :)

  2. I think you should definitely find a shirt like that one and wear it happily. You are pretty stinkin' rad, girl!

    10 points for eating after 7pm! Let's be friends and eat at 9pm together haha :) Take care, have a happy weekend.

  3. You are perfect in the way that you are completely real and honest. Having guilt or confusing surrounding food, especially when you've been through so many different 'phases', is totally understandable.. and NORMAL! Getting to know your body is an intense process that can take a lifetime, so don't sweat it.

    I am currently struggling with being completely honest with myself when it comes to my intake. Half of the time I think I am eating tons of food, and half of the time I think that I am undereating... I am finding it really hard to actually listen to my own body to figure out what I need and everytime I think I need more, I get scared and back down. This usually leads me to ignore hunger cues.. which of course is stupid.

    Sometimes I can't believe how ridiculous some of the things that run through my mind are... but the moment I try to change them I realize that they are much more difficult to break than they should be.
    <3 Tat

  4. I can identify totally with that feeling of waking up and dreading the day ahead because of meals, meals, meals and snacks. That's what I've been struggling with the most the last month or two and it's ridiculous. I go to bed telling myself that everything will be better tomorrow and then morning comes and I hide back under the 'security blanket' of ED. While I know full well that change starts today, there's this mental hurdle that I can't seem to overcome entirely.

    My little whinge aside, I guess there will always be doubts that play in my mind even when we may think we are fully, or near, recovery. How we deal with them is what's most important. Rather than linger over the fears, we have the think of them as challenges that will make us stronger. Easy to say, difficult to do, but not impossible to make happen. =)

    You're right Rebekah - You're not perfect. You're AWESOME!


  5. Girl, you know all about my current struggles (need to e-mail you when arms are up to it btw!). I love your honesty about your own demons. If you don't recognize them, you can't conquer them!

    Stay strong love!

  6. Nice post as always. I hope you stay strong as your body continues to change and its needs continue to change.
    So many variables when it comes to how/why/when/how much we eat-it's not a static will change and as long as you can accept that, you will be perfectly fine :)

  7. hahaha I always wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.

    The hardest thing for me is on days when I work out alot it is hard to see how much extra food I need to eat and what kinds. So this sometimes leaves me like you hungraaaaay in the middle of the night for fruit or nut butters. but i fell that listening to my body will not HARM me i will not become 789 pounds. I have been reading thrive it is really helpful I need to get the other one .

    you are STRONG and COURAGEOUS.

  8. I have felt every one of those fears in the past year also. I'm doing much better with them and don't have to think about them as much, but I will be honest, some days I still freak out a little. We just have to take it one day at a time.

    Currently I am working on getting over my fear of driving. I am 22 years old and have never gotten a driver's license. A few months ago I got my permit and decided to get over my fear and just do it. I'm slowly getting there...

  9. Going to be linking to this post this week. I adore it's honesty and openness. I think that so many of us can relate to the fears you describe, especially the fear of returning to a rocky relationship with food. Thanks for sharing, love!

  10. In America, food is a means of exercising who we are and how God created us. We will struggle with it at times; there will be wrinkles to iron out. You're wise for getting on top of this right away.
    Right now, I'm wrestling with eating in a way that nourishes my body without sending me into a state of obsession.


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