full disclosure.

after checking that, in fact, it is actually tuesday, happy tuesday ladies and gentlemen!

          source... too cute to care about the spelling!

last night, i experienced an extremely "interesting" (read: non-existent) sleep pattern, so excuse me if i sound a bit groggy... i just got up/woke up from a nap.

first things first.

i wanted to shed some light on yesterday's post.

as with every email/post/comment, i wrote what i did to help someone else. to save them the trouble of making the same mistakes i did. to help encourage them to make the right choice for their body, even if it's an insignificantly small step in their eyes.

simply put, every lesson i've learned has been by the grace of God, so i feel responsible to pass it on.

yesterday was no exception, although i should say i'm glad you guys can't see me as i read the comments. you'd find a blubbering, sobbing idiot! you are way too kind!

but still, i was driven by something more. it was more a personal post than usual, and i believe you guys deserve to know that.

honestly? i've never been happier than i am now. after years of loneliness, frustration, and self-hate, i've finally found a place to sort things out, listen to God, and learn from others in the process.

i could never have imagined what a gift the blog would turn into, with this incredibly supportive community of bloggers and readers.

so what's my problem?

as much as i wrote yesterday's post for others, it also was a reminder for myself. words i've been preaching to myself for weeks.

you see, my body's been on a bit of a roller coaster ride over the last few years.

thin? despised? over-exercised? overweight? healthy? starved? disrespected? check! check! check!

 it's been through a transformation so dramatic, it puts Perez Hilton to shame...

                ridiculous.

... ok, maybe not thaaaaat bad. but still.

but now i'm stuck.

when i was in the middle of struggling with self-destructing/emotional eating/compulsive exercising, i just hated my body. the end.

slowly but surely, though, as i started healing, i began to image what my body would uncover. what would i be left with when i returned to a healthy, balanced outlook on life? what would my "adult" body end up like? big, or small? plump, or bony? curvy, or skinny?

i'm incredibly bless to say that today, i'm at peace with my body. and interestingly, it doesn't fit any of those descriptions i imagined.

for the first time, i'm smaller, but more muscle-y. not figure competition chiseled (go girl!), but definitely packin' more than i used to. and although i don't have a child's body by any stretch of the imagination, i certainly don't have luscious, curvy, womanly proportions.

 

                  swoon.

i finally have a stable, healthy, grown-up body, and i don't know how to handle that.

so when i wrote about loving our bodies no matter what, i meant it. really.

it's been my constant challenge for weeks. i'm still dealing with this body, but you know what? it's mine. it's (mostly!) healthy, finally at a blissful balance, and gives me the gift to be able to do things i love. go body go!

so you guys are my accountability, ok?
please help me (and yourself!) remember that this body is awesome!
you guys rock. seriously.

do you struggle with how your body has developed?
if you are recovering from ED, what has been the hardest to accept about your body?
- rebekah