Jul 20, 2010

full disclosure.

after checking that, in fact, it is actually tuesday, happy tuesday ladies and gentlemen!

          source... too cute to care about the spelling!

last night, i experienced an extremely "interesting" (read: non-existent) sleep pattern, so excuse me if i sound a bit groggy... i just got up/woke up from a nap.

first things first.

i wanted to shed some light on yesterday's post.

as with every email/post/comment, i wrote what i did to help someone else. to save them the trouble of making the same mistakes i did. to help encourage them to make the right choice for their body, even if it's an insignificantly small step in their eyes.

simply put, every lesson i've learned has been by the grace of God, so i feel responsible to pass it on.

yesterday was no exception, although i should say i'm glad you guys can't see me as i read the comments. you'd find a blubbering, sobbing idiot! you are way too kind!

but still, i was driven by something more. it was more a personal post than usual, and i believe you guys deserve to know that.

honestly? i've never been happier than i am now. after years of loneliness, frustration, and self-hate, i've finally found a place to sort things out, listen to God, and learn from others in the process.

i could never have imagined what a gift the blog would turn into, with this incredibly supportive community of bloggers and readers.

so what's my problem?

as much as i wrote yesterday's post for others, it also was a reminder for myself. words i've been preaching to myself for weeks.

you see, my body's been on a bit of a roller coaster ride over the last few years.

thin? despised? over-exercised? overweight? healthy? starved? disrespected? check! check! check!

 it's been through a transformation so dramatic, it puts Perez Hilton to shame...


... ok, maybe not thaaaaat bad. but still.

but now i'm stuck.

when i was in the middle of struggling with self-destructing/emotional eating/compulsive exercising, i just hated my body. the end.

slowly but surely, though, as i started healing, i began to image what my body would uncover. what would i be left with when i returned to a healthy, balanced outlook on life? what would my "adult" body end up like? big, or small? plump, or bony? curvy, or skinny?

i'm incredibly bless to say that today, i'm at peace with my body. and interestingly, it doesn't fit any of those descriptions i imagined.

for the first time, i'm smaller, but more muscle-y. not figure competition chiseled (go girl!), but definitely packin' more than i used to. and although i don't have a child's body by any stretch of the imagination, i certainly don't have luscious, curvy, womanly proportions.


i finally have a stable, healthy, grown-up body, and i don't know how to handle that.

so when i wrote about loving our bodies no matter what, i meant it. really.

it's been my constant challenge for weeks. i'm still dealing with this body, but you know what? it's mine. it's (mostly!) healthy, finally at a blissful balance, and gives me the gift to be able to do things i love. go body go!

so you guys are my accountability, ok?
please help me (and yourself!) remember that this body is awesome!
you guys rock. seriously.

do you struggle with how your body has developed?
if you are recovering from ED, what has been the hardest to accept about your body?
- rebekah


  1. Loved reading this.

    I found it interesting when you said you were stuck. You are at peace with your body now--but you spent years and years wishing and trying to change it...and now that you are at your place--its strange just being content.

  2. I love this post! I am looking forward to reading through more of your posts. Especially yesterday's! This seems right up my alley. :) Thank you for visiting my blog and being so very encouraging.

  3. Amen!

    Slowly but surely I'm getting more comfortable with my body. Sometimes I look in the mirror and actually like the things I "shouldn't" like: my chubby cheeks, my hips, or the back of my arms.

  4. a lot of my teen years i HATED being called a woman or young woman. to me woman meant something bad and fat and gross. its so amazing that at 21 i hate being called a child and when someone says woman i associate it with beauty and maturity, and that people think im old enough to be taken seriously. plus boobs and bums dont bother me like they used to, so curvy means hot to me, not fat at all! :) :)

  5. I struggle with my body image right now. Up until this past year, I loved my body and worked hard to get it where it was. It was thin, but curvy and my hair was bangin. I've since lost almost 20 pounds and am having a hard time gaining weight. Being diagnosed with fibro made me really depressed. I'm struggling to get back to my old body, but at the same time trying to learn to live in the one I have at the moment. Thanks for these posts today!

  6. First off can I just tell you how much I love you without sounding like a total creep?!? Seriously, you are an amazing, wonderful women! I love your attitude, humility, and radiance! You are seriously a glimmer of hope for us suffering with such bad body image..

    You know my story. I still have terrible days im not going to lie. Sometimes I like my body though, it takes work! It takes a lot of work. Everytime I get upset my ED makes my body feel unbearable and huge..So you can imagine its hard to love it when it feels so damn un comfotable. anyway, it's getting better though. Day by day im making changes :) I'm hopeful that I will love what I see in the mirror everyday eventually! I will get there, watch me!!

    Hope your enjoying your day beautiful!
    Dana xo

  7. Aww this and the last post were great! :) I used to struggle with body image because I am so short/petite...and my proportions are different!! I especially love your last post because I too can NEVER find "my" body type in those kind of magazine articles, we must be abnormal :P <3

  8. Such a sweet gal you are! Love how you linked to Avery @ Love Veggies + Yoga, teehee. I'm "ok" with how my body has developed. I mean, we always (always, always, always) want something to change, but it's just that itty-bitty-want, and usually I can forget about it completely (thank you Jesus!).

    I love ya girl, God is seriously using you in such HUGE ways. Thanks for sharing it with us! :D

  9. I have so much more to say on this, but these past two posts have been great and I'm glad you are expressing all this. I definitely want to talk to you further about it all- maybe over pancakes Sunday morning in Richmond? haha

  10. Your honesty and your determination to love and honour your beautiful body is so great, Rebekah.

    I have experienced a lot of bodily changes. Prior to ED it was the hips that suddenly were all I could see in the mirror, but sadly I was not able to appreciate them. During my period of starvation my goal was to force the number on the scale further and further down, untill I looked like a ghost. Then enters binge period and woop - my body gained back its pounds in a matter of months. Fright kicks in - how to deal with this body? Is this my body? The body I want? Emotions and insecurity still not dealed with, and a new round of starvation starts. Even more extreme than the first time, and my heart threaten to stop.
    Right now I am trying to embrace the changes that occur with recovery. In contrast to my period of bingeing my body grows in a more stable and slow pace, which give me the time to learn my body to know again. Not just to know it, but learning to love it. Accpeting that I will have a belly, hips, strong legs - they are beautiful, they are me. I want to love my body, I want to love my beating heart.

  11. Such a great post! Thank you for this!!!


questions or comments about my thoughts?
feel free to share, and thanks for stopping by!