Jul 24, 2010

is your closet safe?

take a look at these shorts. a long, hard look.

at first glance?

they look like... shorts... because they sorta are.

i got them from Target, land where dreams are made of. they were $9.99. champion brand.

but don't be deceived, my dear friends. these are evil shorts.

for those of you who have been here for the long haul, you know i've been on a roller coaster with my weight, and i'm finally at a place of (near) peace with the body i have today.

so why am i shaken up over cheap running shorts?

here's the deal - i bought these shorts after months of being bed-ridden from fibro. i got them on my first shopping outing "back in the real world. " while i was INCREDIBLY excited to need running shorts again, physically, there's really no other way to say this... but i looked sick.

i had no muscle, i barely could eat, and my hip bones jutted out (how feminine, right?).

so when i bought the infamous shorts, they fit fine... for my body that was BARELY hanging on to "health."

thank God i don't look sickly anymore. i've put my nose to the grindstone, exercised faithfully, eaten well, been patient, yada yada, all that good stuff.

and you know what? i've gained muscle back. i'm much, much healthier, body-wise. healthier than i was before the fibro, actually.

but now, the shorts don't fit. do i really want them to fit again? not at all!

the shorts aren't just shorts - they stand for a time in my life where my health was completely defeating me. i didn't get out of bed, except to pee. i ate one or two meals a day, because i was too tired to eat (i have NEVER felt that way before... EVER!). i slept more hours than i was awake. i was depressed and falling apart.

but the problem is... i always forget they don't fit. they aren't really too small, they just make me feel gross. they hit at a really unflattering place, so i am crazy self-conscious in them.

and i've had it.

i don't deserve to have to struggle with negative self-talk every time i'm getting ready to go do something GOOD for my body.

that's just messed up. i'm going to RUN, for goodness sakes! after my journey over the last year, the sheer fact that i can even WALK is incredible, and should be a celebration everytime i get dressed.

some days, i feel proud of my body, put on the dreaded shorts, and suddenly, i magically transform into a fat cow. because the shorts can do that, you know. 

well, enough. i'm donating the shorts today. i'm done with them. all they bring is frustration in my life. and they were $9.99 - it's not like i'm throwing away some Prada.

but honestly, even if it was Prada, i deserve to feel strong, beautiful, and responsible every single day of my life.

do you have clothes in your closet that you avoid?
have you thrown out clothes that make you feel fat?
how do you deal with weight gain?


  1. Good idea - get rid of those shorts. I threw away all of my sick clothes at the beginning of treatment. I reckon that an item of clothing shouldn't have the power to control how you feel about yourself.

    Sarah x

  2. Gosh, my closet was so unsafe for years! I kept this little tiny skirt that I wore when I was really underweight. I would put it on all the time to make sure I fit in it. If I didnt fit in it I would procede to torture myself untill I fit in it...not cool!!

    Recently I go rid of all my anorexic clothes. They are in a trash bag.. I'm not going to try them on and see how they fit. I dont want to know. To be honest, the last pair of pants that didnt fit me I almost had a nervous breakdown over so I'm just getting rid of everything. It's not worth the pain for me. As I get stronger in my recovery im sure it would be easier for me to see I dont fit into old clothes anymore...It's just really hard still right now.

    I did go on a shopping spree after I threw away my old clothes. I got clothes that FIT and I feel so much better...

    Good for you for throwing them out. It's good you dont want that body back either. I think that is a sign of TRUE health!!! I hope I get there with my own body one day..

    Dana xo

  3. Eep. I hate how triggering these kinds of situations can be. I had the same problem when I was gaining weight in recovery... I wore a lot of baggy clothes or tights because I couldn't stand the thought of clothes fitting me either properly or being too small. I haven't tried on my anorexic clothes in a long, long while because I'm honestly not sure I could handle it if they didn't fit. I mean, logically I know that they don't, but as long as I don't have to actually go through the experience of trying them on and them not fitting, I feel better...

    I just have to keep reminding myself how much better life is now than it was when I was sick... because it honestly is. Nothing is worth going back to that place. I may have been crazy skinny, but I was also crazy sick and unhappy.

  4. i had a pair of pants that made me feel awful everytime i looked at them in my closet. i think they were a kids large, which is like an adult 000, i used to wear them and they hung on me which is even worse!! one day i just went in the closet and grabbed them angrily and tossed them in the trash. enough is enough i thought, i didnt want the energy around lol. im so glad your in a healthy place, im seriously so proud of you, and i know the happiness u feel now comes from a place of genuine bliss that should serve as a tool to remind you that the path you are on now is the best one to be on :)

    xoxo <3

  5. I used to have a pair of shorts that haunted me because they fit me when I was running 4 miles everyday. I was eating unhealthy, but I was running so much that I was very skinny--but still at a relatively healthy weight. Once I stopped running because of my knee problems I didn't change my eating habits, and then I couldn't fit into the shorts. I hated them. I hated them teasing me saying that I wasn't in shape anymore.

    I changed my eating habits and exercise regularly--not running 4 miles every day though. I more of cross train and do lighter running because I still have knee problems. The shorts fit great now.

    Definitely a different story than you, but it still reminded me a lot of my relationship with a pair of running shorts.

  6. thanks guys!

    it's definitely a different struggle now than when i was in high school.

    i wish i had been mature enough to feel that way before i got a chronic illness that grabbed my attention, though, but i'm glad i'm here all the same.

    YOU GUYS are the real inspirations! EDs can be so crushing with stuff like that. go girls!

  7. Well done!!
    I have a whole drawer of clothes I never wear, and absolutely avoid. I have to give them away,too.
    Every now and then I try the clothes that make me feel fat, and if I still feel fat (I change my mind every minute) I just put them back.
    I am sure you are looking much healthier now!
    ^^ Xo

  8. So I have those shorts in black love them!! and this post definitely fits with me I have some pants that fit me when I was sick [i do not know if they fit me know, but I used to get upset if they didn't] They were a certain size from abercombie kids a __slim. I really should get rid of them [not that I know if they fit] but they just associate with a down time in my life. I wear kids stuff time to time now because I am a midget and sometimes it is cheaper ahhaha. But now I am healthy, eat great and exercise 5-6 times a week. Also I havent set foot on a scale in ages, and when I have to at any docotr I ask not to know. Life is great not knowing your weight, and knowing you are healthy.

    who gets carded for lottery and then the lady actually stares at your id?!

  9. Great post. I used to think that I was supposed to fit into the smallest size in a store and if I didn't, I was a failure. Now, I cross off the sizes on my clothes or cut out the tags so I don't become obsessed again.

  10. I definitely have clothes that I avoid because they make me feel fat.. but I've still kept them because a twisted part of my mind still hopes that one day I'll fit into them again. The logical part of my mind knows better but I'm not quite able to let go yet.

    As for weight gain.. I haven't dealt with it well at all. But I'm slowly starting to accept it and move on with my life. Whenever I'm feeling down I just remind myself that I am so much more than just a body.

  11. You are so right in gettin rid of ANY clothing that make you feel down. You have a beautiful body, and the story of its life so far is nothing but touching and amazing.

    I definetely have some clothes in my closet that do not fit any longer, and they should be given to the Salvation Army. I do not need those clothes, because they are far from being my "Size healthy". They are memories from my past, from my period of starvation and this disorded idea that to be happy and beautiful I needed to be thin.
    To fit into those clothes would be to be closer to death than life for me, and I have chosen life. Every day I chose life, and those clothes does not have a place in my future.
    Even though there are still a fear of gaining weight, I know it is the best and nothing but right. My body feels so much better, and my mind is once again filled with positivity.
    I am not meant to be without hips and a layer of fat - and I want to be the way nature meant me to be.

    Big and thankful hug to you.

  12. I'm glad you're getting rid of them. It's very natural to go in and out of fitting into things as time passes and it would be wonderful if all of us girls could understand that so that we can avoid all of these awful feelings. I vote that you buy a new pair of shorts that fit great and match your great, positive, wonderful energy and personality.

  13. Thanks for your comment on my blog!

    I love this post, after losing weight I had a ton of clothing that was just plain to big. I finally got rid of it because looking at it reminded me of how I felt at the time. It works in both ways, looking at those clothes made me angry at myself for wasting so much of my time being overweight. I got rid of them so I could instead focus on being proud of my accomplishments.

  14. Hi friend! It's funny you ask about my hubby having a brother.. he has a twin brother who lives in Mexico! They turn 30 on August 1st, and he's a sweety + has a cool house haha. And hey, when it's true wuv, who cares about a little age difference? :)

    & love the last comment you made about, "even if it was Prada..." we SO do deserve to feel beautiful every morning we wake up, every step we take. And we ARE beautiful! & even if I do avoid/discard clothing that makes me feel not-so-pretty on the outside, we're entitled to feeling good about ourselves, and if a pair of shorts makes us feel otherwise, it's healthy to give 'em away.

  15. thank you for posting this--it was absolutely incredible to read! i'm glad you are getting rid of those evil shorts!
    most of my clothes that don't fit, some that are more evil, i've had to throw away; otherwise, i've handed them down to younger cousins, donated, or sold a few to like consignment type stores that work with charities

  16. I think you might find the guest post on my blog today pretty interesting with regards to health and weight and how being slim doesn't always mean being healthy.

  17. I donate/give away/sell!
    I still need to go through my closet at my old place, I know there are way too small clothes there that I wouldn't be able to fit unless I became a child again... ones I bought when my ED was most serious :<

  18. i have boney shoulders which I ''inherited'' from my dad...they used to bother me but it's part of ME..and i'm kinda a lanky person..that's what my dr. says..and it's me..just look at my dad..and you'll see it's natural!!

    and thanks for you comment on my post!


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