clarity.

hey beautifuls... i've been AWOL for quite some time, hmm? i guess you could say i've been having a bit of blogger's identity chrisis.

here's the deal. i've been thinking a lot recently about the blog - should i keep it up? what direction should i take? how often to post? but the truth is, i've kinda been dreading posting. whenever i did post, it was always something i felt really strongly about, and DEFINITELY wanted to talk about, but other times? i kinda struggled to make myself sit and write. i can't even believe i'm saying that, because you guys are INCREDIBLE and i have so many passions i want to write about... but i just felt like i was fighting with myself!

i was so worried about what i was saying and how it would affect you guys that i lost myself in the process. the posts that i wrote on body image are 100% my passion, but the actual delivery of the post? exhausting to me. i felt like i was pouring every drop of myself out into words on each post. your comments were so incredible it was worth it, though! but it was a challenge for sure.

i was so caught up in pouring my heart into you guys that i forget rule number one: don't forget to honor yourself first! i can be so passionate and so driven to reach out and help other girls that i forget how much i'm struggling myself. this year has been so freakin' hard for me, and while i've had some awesome discoveries (i now know my calling!), it has also been an awful, terrifying struggle.

one awesome part has been the incredible opportunities i've had to help others, by a kind word or just being a shoulder to lean on. it's my purpose in life! but that means pulling energy and encouragement from somewhere inside i didn't know exsisted. and sometimes, i feel like a fraud for helping others to pick up the pieces when i don't know if i have the strength to make it myself.

there's a difference, though, in smiling through the pain and being fake. and i don't want to be fake with you guys. ever.

so i won't lie, it's really hard to post about being a strong, proud woman on days when i cry myself to sleep. it's really hard to post about incredible restaurants i am going to because somedays, i don't end up being able to get out of bed. and it's really hard to know what to say on days i have no positive words to speak.

i will not use this blog as a vehicle for self-pity, however, or as an ego boost. that's a total cop-out, and not my style. God gives me the strength to get through the storm, and i WILL trust Him through it. but sometimes, i wonder if i wouldn't dread my most positive posts as much if i just got real with you guys beforehand. the words i post are always true, but i feel like you guys aren't getting my clear motive behind the words.

what provoked this?

i had lunch today with a friend who has been stuggling with an auto-immune disease similar to fibro for about a year or two. it was incredible to see her, and even more incredible was the fact that she was TOTALLY HEALED! as happy as i was for her, though, i was equally as crushed inside. the very treatement that changed her life i tried months ago... and couldn't even tell i was taking anything.

don't get me wrong, i was estatic for her! nothing could have made me happier. but it did make me realize i'm still broken-hearted inside over my own loss. how could i not be? i went from being a healthy, normal teenager to not getting out of bed for weeks. i never let myself recover the shock from that, and i needed a reality check, majorly.

as much of a passion as helping others is for me, i still have a lot of healing to do myself. i have to commit to me. i deserve the chance to let my heart heal as quickly or slowly as i can, and one way i need to do that is not forcing myself to be ok with something when i'm not there yet. it doesn't mean i won't get there, but i just need some time.

baking, running, and body image? all things very near and dear to my heart, and i meant every single word that i've said.

but here's the whole truth: most days, i struggle with nausea and cramps from the fibro. i don't really eat meals... just little bits of food whenever my stomach lets me. so to post my eats would be a bit ridiculous. sometimes i will when it's a really good creation, or when it's a good stomach day, but now i'm really struggling with eating. another truth? running is my passion, but it's one of my biggest struggles. i run for my sanity, but it usually does me in physically for the hours afterwards. it's a trade-off between doing something social and doing something good for my body, and i have to make that choice every day. so i could never be like some amazing bloggers and chart my workouts, because some days, my workout is taking a shower. and body image? this is a huge one for me. i still fight a lot of demons from previous food issues, but my biggest struggles aren't about weight anymore. a lot of days, i dont sleep, my eyes are bloodshot and glassy, and i limp when i walk... not so good for feelin' sexy. more days than not, i know i look like a zombie, and it takes all the fight in me to remember how incredible my body is! it gives me mobility, it powers me through the day, and it can train for a marathon... often, though, i forget that.

the purpose of creating this blog was to help you guys realize you aren't alone in your challenges, and that you CAN have victory in your life. i can only imagine that by giving you the whole picture on my struggles, maybe you can have more tools to face your own demons with. as far as what the blog will be like? some days, i might just need to vent. and some days, i'll celebrate a good day with a chocolate cake recipe. but i promise it will be genuine.

so instead of fighting myself, i'm gonna give you guys the real me. uncensored. unedited. unfiltered. real life. and i can't promise it'll be pretty, but i think it will be freeing.

if you can't avoid challenges, at least i can be there alongside you, chocolate in hand :)

how did you guys find your "place" blogging?

what's your style?

- rebekah