Jun 4, 2010


hey beautifuls... i've been AWOL for quite some time, hmm? i guess you could say i've been having a bit of blogger's identity chrisis.

here's the deal. i've been thinking a lot recently about the blog - should i keep it up? what direction should i take? how often to post? but the truth is, i've kinda been dreading posting. whenever i did post, it was always something i felt really strongly about, and DEFINITELY wanted to talk about, but other times? i kinda struggled to make myself sit and write. i can't even believe i'm saying that, because you guys are INCREDIBLE and i have so many passions i want to write about... but i just felt like i was fighting with myself!

i was so worried about what i was saying and how it would affect you guys that i lost myself in the process. the posts that i wrote on body image are 100% my passion, but the actual delivery of the post? exhausting to me. i felt like i was pouring every drop of myself out into words on each post. your comments were so incredible it was worth it, though! but it was a challenge for sure.

i was so caught up in pouring my heart into you guys that i forget rule number one: don't forget to honor yourself first! i can be so passionate and so driven to reach out and help other girls that i forget how much i'm struggling myself. this year has been so freakin' hard for me, and while i've had some awesome discoveries (i now know my calling!), it has also been an awful, terrifying struggle.

one awesome part has been the incredible opportunities i've had to help others, by a kind word or just being a shoulder to lean on. it's my purpose in life! but that means pulling energy and encouragement from somewhere inside i didn't know exsisted. and sometimes, i feel like a fraud for helping others to pick up the pieces when i don't know if i have the strength to make it myself.

there's a difference, though, in smiling through the pain and being fake. and i don't want to be fake with you guys. ever.

so i won't lie, it's really hard to post about being a strong, proud woman on days when i cry myself to sleep. it's really hard to post about incredible restaurants i am going to because somedays, i don't end up being able to get out of bed. and it's really hard to know what to say on days i have no positive words to speak.

i will not use this blog as a vehicle for self-pity, however, or as an ego boost. that's a total cop-out, and not my style. God gives me the strength to get through the storm, and i WILL trust Him through it. but sometimes, i wonder if i wouldn't dread my most positive posts as much if i just got real with you guys beforehand. the words i post are always true, but i feel like you guys aren't getting my clear motive behind the words.

what provoked this?

i had lunch today with a friend who has been stuggling with an auto-immune disease similar to fibro for about a year or two. it was incredible to see her, and even more incredible was the fact that she was TOTALLY HEALED! as happy as i was for her, though, i was equally as crushed inside. the very treatement that changed her life i tried months ago... and couldn't even tell i was taking anything.

don't get me wrong, i was estatic for her! nothing could have made me happier. but it did make me realize i'm still broken-hearted inside over my own loss. how could i not be? i went from being a healthy, normal teenager to not getting out of bed for weeks. i never let myself recover the shock from that, and i needed a reality check, majorly.

as much of a passion as helping others is for me, i still have a lot of healing to do myself. i have to commit to me. i deserve the chance to let my heart heal as quickly or slowly as i can, and one way i need to do that is not forcing myself to be ok with something when i'm not there yet. it doesn't mean i won't get there, but i just need some time.

baking, running, and body image? all things very near and dear to my heart, and i meant every single word that i've said.

but here's the whole truth: most days, i struggle with nausea and cramps from the fibro. i don't really eat meals... just little bits of food whenever my stomach lets me. so to post my eats would be a bit ridiculous. sometimes i will when it's a really good creation, or when it's a good stomach day, but now i'm really struggling with eating. another truth? running is my passion, but it's one of my biggest struggles. i run for my sanity, but it usually does me in physically for the hours afterwards. it's a trade-off between doing something social and doing something good for my body, and i have to make that choice every day. so i could never be like some amazing bloggers and chart my workouts, because some days, my workout is taking a shower. and body image? this is a huge one for me. i still fight a lot of demons from previous food issues, but my biggest struggles aren't about weight anymore. a lot of days, i dont sleep, my eyes are bloodshot and glassy, and i limp when i walk... not so good for feelin' sexy. more days than not, i know i look like a zombie, and it takes all the fight in me to remember how incredible my body is! it gives me mobility, it powers me through the day, and it can train for a marathon... often, though, i forget that.

the purpose of creating this blog was to help you guys realize you aren't alone in your challenges, and that you CAN have victory in your life. i can only imagine that by giving you the whole picture on my struggles, maybe you can have more tools to face your own demons with. as far as what the blog will be like? some days, i might just need to vent. and some days, i'll celebrate a good day with a chocolate cake recipe. but i promise it will be genuine.

so instead of fighting myself, i'm gonna give you guys the real me. uncensored. unedited. unfiltered. real life. and i can't promise it'll be pretty, but i think it will be freeing.

if you can't avoid challenges, at least i can be there alongside you, chocolate in hand :)

how did you guys find your "place" blogging?
what's your style?
- rebekah


  1. Sweetie, sometimes it's okay to help people out even when you're not sure if you can help yourself. Three things matter: that you're helping someone, that you have to make sure you surround yourself with people who'll help you right back and that you're making sure to take care of yourself as well.

    For the nausea -- have you tried zofran? They usually prescribe it for chemo patients, but as I'm sure you know sometimes it gets THAT bad. The zofran works pretty well for me. I actually don't need it too often anymore, which is good because the pills are kind of pricey. I don't know if it was just my gastroenterologist being really nice but you might want to ask someone about trying it, or another anti-nausea med. :)

    Just do what you want when it comes to what you write on here. Everything is inspirational. Whether it's running a mile or just discussing the difficulties you live with, someone suffering might be inspired to go on a walk and someone who doesn't might just be inspired to make the most out of their life since they're free of the limitations that have been put upon you.

    And believe me, I don't eat small bites every couple of hours to boost my metabolism... "Here's this piece of toast I had at 10 AM with nothing on it." Blogging that would not be very interesting. :P

    Even though we have some common interests, my blog is pretty much nothing like yours, because I focus more on food than, well, anything. I love food and nutrition and while it is my fuel it's much more than that, so I found my place in the "health bloggers who love to eat and cook and bake and rarely post about anything else" category, I guess. It's not all I am or all I could post about, but I'm fine with that being what the blogging world sees me as. It's kind of like I'm the girl hiding behind the food, because it's about the food, not the girl who doesn't go to "real" school and normally burns out for 24 hours after posting about the food, and usually leaves large social gatherings early in tears because her head hurts from all the noise. I get enough pity in real life. :P

    Stay strong! <3

  2. Honesty and reality are all we can really ask from you. No one is positive all the time and we understand that. I'm sorry things are so rough right now and I will pray for you. I think chronic pain has to be one of the hardest things to deal with physically. Hang in there. :)

  3. Thank you for being honest and don't ever stop. I don't care if all you post is a whole lot of random because it will mean that you're being true to yourself and THAT is what I like to read. Vent, post recipes, talk about nothing in particular; it's all good to me. The bloggers that are real are the ones that keep drawing me back.

    It took me awhile to find my blogging place because I don't really fit in anywhere. Everything that I write is SO random and I'm finally okay with that. I enjoy how I write and apparently others do too so why should I try to mold myself into a category that wouldn't have me fitting smoothly?

    Keep helping others because it will end up helping you too. Every day I struggle with my bulimia but every day I still encourage and help others who have struggles of their own. If you have the strength to help others then you have the strength to help yourself.

    You are so amazingly strong and I really admire how you are still able to see the beauty in life even while struggling with something as painful as fibro.

  4. sometimes its best to take a quick step back until u feel u miss blogging a bit. .then when u get that feeling find out WHAT it is u miss.. and usually u will find ur answer. i think its totally normal to dread it at times and then love it other times. im so glad u admitted this and i bet almost everyone can relate. my only advice is just like i said.. try to take a little step back and think about what drove u to blog in the frist place.

    i love your blog anyhow, if thats any consolation <3 xoxo <3

  5. Hello!
    I just found your blog and it´s like reading about myself... I´m 28 and have had fibro since I was 15-16, I will never get over the fact that my life never will be easy. I envy ppl that have the energy to work, workout, have a social life and other stuff. I always make the same misstakes by overdoing it on good days which leaves me drained for days. I too have been on many drugs, legal and not so legal... ust to cope, but it´s not worth it anymore. I have nervedamage and it only gets worse when i take painkillers and musclerelaxants. (sorry adout my eng, i´m from sweden).
    I really find the blog and averything you write så inspiring and comforting (i dont want anyone to suffer like i suffer) it´s nice to know i´m not alone.
    Like yesterday i had a really bad day, i was taken over by the TIRED! I could not keep my eyes open for long, so many days just go by, lossed bcs of fibro. And i hate it for that. You seem like you have a great social net around you with understanding friends and family. I don´t have that. I got severly eatingdisordered when i was 12 and lost all my friends and i´ve never been able to make new ones. I was/ and still are ED and it´s hard getting and keeping friends. Not only bcs of ED but also the fibro. I´m pretty much all alone in this bcs my family (mom and sister) don´t really understand the disease. Mostly my mom, when i´m sad, tired, have IBS troubles or in pain, she mostly have some commet that i need to get over it or just says that she´s not interested in hearing about it...
    I´m quite lonely, my highlights are when i can be outside or at the gym. I realy dont know if i ever will be able to have a job. Sometimes i think i might but thats on good days (when i´m currently forgetting how it is when its bad). I dunno.
    Just wanted to let you know your not alone and that i really like reading your blog!

    Would be great to maybe have an e-mail buddy, but i understand if you dont have the time or energy for that!

    Take care and have a great weekend!

  6. Just wanted to send you some bloggie love and let you know that I'm thinking about you.

    You are strong and beautiful!

  7. i'm sorry things are hard for you right now...but you're hanging in there..just keep doing that..I know I'm a lot younger than you and don't have a lot of experience with this..but I think your blog is great..and what u do write is very inspirational to me...keep it up!!!! :)
    I love to blog simply because this is the only place I can be ME without being judged...I have no foodie friends to talk to outside the blog world..so I'm really glad I found the blog world...it has helped me find friends and express my passion for food and health!!!
    oh..ps..I got some dates :)

  8. Rebekah, you are SO AMAZING! Don't ever forget that! I read this whole post and was so inspired by your words. I also realize how much I take for granted as far as being able to work out and eat so much good food. I think you should continue to do whatever makes you happiest even if some days that means stepping away from the blog world. But regardless you are FABULOUS and I really admire you!

  9. Rebekah,
    I want you to always be honest with yourself. And to not post something because you feel like it is expected of you, or because you are afraid of what we might think of you if we knew the truth about your daily struggle.
    Share the thoughts you feel comfortable sharing. Write what you feel good writing. Always take care of yourself. Always love yourself. And again : be honest with yourself, allow yourself to feel difficult emotions.

  10. Rebekah, I don't often comment because I admire you so much that I don't know what to say! You seem like a creative, interesting individual with inner strength and passion for what you believe in.
    All I want to do is encourage you, but I never know what to say.

  11. Aww girl you are so STRONG. And there is no need to be fake. Just be you. Just be real. Be the rebekah we all know and love to read about. It's ok if you don't post everyday. Don't post every meal...having variety and different posts makes you more interesting. I hope your fibro gets better I hate to see someone struggle :( You can do this just don't let anything let you down...you are more than the disease! Everyone has daily challenges ans some may seem small or big to others, but its how it affects you that matters!

    go rebekahhhhh!

    sorry for my corniness<3

  12. I am just catching up lady so I am sorry it took a few days to write here. This was such a refreshingly honest post and thanks for sharing with us. I agree with all the others that just being real is most important. People don't expect you to conform to a certain type of blogging but having your own voice shine through is the best part!

    Keep positive lady. I can't imagine how hard it is to live with fibro but you can fight it since you are so strong!


questions or comments about my thoughts?
feel free to share, and thanks for stopping by!